Memories
by Spookysstarbuck
Summary: Mac is sitting in front of the open fire place and all the old memories are coming back - attention this is AU! (inspired by "what if")
1. 1

Inspired from: "What if …"  
Category: AU  
Rating: R so far

Note: This fic is AU. I have marked that here. So if you think that it is out of character, maybe it is, but it is my story and I don't care if or if not. They are mine for the time I use them. I borrowed them and I will hand them back in when I am finished.

So if you think they are out of character, you don't need to tell me, I know it. But still it is my story and nobody force you to read it.

The lyrics in between are from "Memory" from CATS (Andrew Lloyd Webber)

* * *

Mac was sitting on the floor, in front of a burning fire, with a big box of photos and a new photo album to put them in. She had wanted to do it for months but now she had finally found time.  
She leaned against the sofa while studying carefully what the photos were showing, sorting out which to put in and which to leave out.

A soft noise was coming from outside, the wind was playing with the empty trees and the first snow that had fallen. It was December 21st and this Christmas would be the first one in ages which she would celebrate differently. Alone with her children. But as soon as the kids were in bed, she would be alone again.  
Even thinking of that made tears run down her soft cheeks, which were slightly reddened by the hotness of the fire.

**Midnight  
Not a sound from the pavement  
Has the moon lost her memory?  
She is smiling alone  
In the lamplight  
The withered leaves collect at my feet  
And the wind begins to moan**

Suddenly there was a photo of her and Harm in between the baby photos. Harm and Her. Harm. Mac closed her eyes to remember.

_Harm was coming towards her office; she had seen him close his door behind him. He was looking so handsome those days. He had been working out a little more often and his six-pack was evident under the tight and sexy dress whites.  
__He had asked her out for dinner. She had smiled after telling him that she wanted to go out with him. It had been their first real date. He had brought her to St. Remo's, a small elegant Italian Restaurant. They had ordered some fantastic fish dishes, had non-alcoholic wine, and ice cream afterwards.  
__After dinner they had been walking together for some time before he asked her if they could do that on a more regular time, like tomorrow again. She had laughed. He had smiled. Hand in hand they walked back to the car. At the car she had leaned against the car and his hands were on each side of her body when he leaned down towards her and kissed her softly on the lips- just a touch of lips. She had the courage to get hold of his neck to press him further towards her, to deepen the kiss. _

Maybe it had all been a mistake and he never wanted more than to spend time with her?

_After a couple of minutes kissing, he decided to bring her home.  
__The moment they entered the apartment she knew what she wanted. After she asked if he wanted a glass of wine, he had just stared at her with big eyes, asking why she had alcoholic wine at home. She smiled in return and handed him the bottle. It was an expensive bottle of wine. She had an excellent taste, or knowledge.  
__"You picked it out?" he asked her. She smiled and nodded while heading to the bedroom, leaving the door open.  
__It had been a warm summer day and she had left her windows open and now the wind was playing with the curtains. When he entered behind her he only saw her shadow at the window in the moonlight. She knew that. She knew what she was doing, what she was implying.  
__He had a glass of red wine in his hand when he stood there watching her. Her hair was playing in the wind, her eyes closed.  
__"Mac," he said softly when she turned around. She was still swearing the long dark red skirt and the dark red sleeveless blouse. One more button was open on top, she still standing behind the white curtains. Slowly Mac started to let her hands glide over the front of the blouse, opened one more button and another till the blouse was completely open and revealing a dark red lace bra. He also didn't say a word when the skirt joined the blouse at the floor. No word, when she came towards him, took the glass from his hands and put it on the bedside table. He didn't dare to say something when she unbuttoned his shirt and trousers, when her fingers were dancing over his chest, making his six-pack flex.  
__Slowly he touched her soft skin. Harm's eyes were completely dark. But there were no words said, not when he started kissing her, not when his kisses trailed down her body, over her still lace-hugged breasts, not her in lace-hidden womanhood. When she was softly moaning, when he opened the bra standing behind her, holding her breasts in his warm and big hands, it had been the only sound that filled the room.  
__The moment he moved into her was passionate. His lips were hard on hers and she wanted that moment to last. And it did. Mac crossed her ankles behind his back and buried him deeper inside than any men had ever been. She loved the way he was pressing hard against her cervix.  
__She had come hard that night, screaming his name and Harm hers. She had fallen asleep on his chest. _

The photo had been taken two days later at the park. They had asked a kid to take it. Harm had given him a 10 dollar note and the kid was so happy.  
She tried not to remember those days because it still hurt. The pain still rose up her chest when she remembered the days of happiness and joy, the morning she woke up next to him, cuddled against his chest – the last five years.

Today she asked herself if it had maybe all been a mistake. The bottle of wine which was in her fridge stayed unopened but she had bought it. How many nights had she wanted to empty it because of the pain in her heart?  
Every night since this one night, the night she had lost all the trust he had put in him. The one night she came back home too early.

_It was the first time she had to travel again after going back to JAG. She had been in California and hadn't thought that she would be finished before Thursday, but things had gone well and she had been able to take the last flight on Tuesday night. Mac hadn't had the time to call back home and she wanted to surprise Harm.  
She had been training hard after the two close pregnancies. She had worked out hard. In California she had bought a sexy black lace and silk teddy. Nevertheless she had been missing Harm badly. After being married for nearly four years things had changed a little bit, he didn't seem to be that interested into sex anymore but cuddling. But she needed him. _

Softly the radio was playing in the background and the fire was dancing in the open fireplace. The fireplace he wanted to have installed at that place of the living room because the flames were lightening the area around the coffee table.

_She opened the door carefully; even she had noticed the dimmed light from their bedroom. Mac slipped out of her shoes and closed the door silently because she wanted to surprise Harm. Passing the kitchen she noticed two empty wine bottles – maybe he had guests? She unbuttoned her blouse slowly while walking upstairs. She noticed a soft moaning and had to smile by the idea of Harm watching a porn movie while she was away.  
__But the moment she opened their bedroom door she saw what she never wanted to imagine in front of her. Harm was lying under a blondhaired woman who was riding him pretty hard while he was bound to the bed.  
__At first they didn't notice her standing in the door but she made them see. She told herself not to cry.  
__"I guess it is time for you, whoever you are, to get clothed. And while she is getting into whatever she was wearing you can start packing your stuff because you will no longer live in this house," Mac said, turned around and headed to the kids' bedroom. Both were asleep soundly in their beds. Ellen had just turned three and Harm Jr. was only 15 months old. She remembered how hard they had tried to have another baby because of all the stress and health problems they had been through after the first pregnancy.  
__Watching the babies sleep she realized that her world had just shattered into pieces. _

The telephone was ringing and this brought her back to reality, back to her current life.  
"McKenzie-Rabb," Mac replied after picking up.  
"Hello Sarah," a familiar voice replied.  
"Hello. How are you and Frank doing?" Mac asked her former mother-in-law.  
"Fine, thanks, my dear. I know that you probably want spend the holidays on your own …," How little did she know about Mac and what she was looking forward to! "..I thought maybe you want to spend a few days with us in Washington. We are going to come to spend Christmas with Harm because he asked for it last year. I know, my dear, many things have changed since last year," she added sadly, "and I never tried to judge anything. He is still my son."  
"I know Trish. If you want to see the kids, it is okay."  
"Sarah, I do not only want to see the kids, I want to see you too."  
"I said it is okay."  
"Listen to me Mac," she said a little louder and harsher, "if you do not want to have us around I can understand it. I have never been in a position like you. My husband died before something like that could happen. I probably would have reacted like you did. Anyway it is up to you."  
"If you want to come over on the 26th, I will cook something for us."  
"Will Harm …"  
"He is allowed to see the kids one day during the holidays, if he comes without another woman. As soon as I notice some other woman around the kids, everything will be cancelled."  
"Oh Sarah …"  
"No Trish, please do not discuss with me. It is a couple of days before Christmas. I had other plans for this Christmas but I cannot change it." Mac took a deep breath, "Your son was able to destroy those last May," she added in a whisper.  
"You know if you need anything, just call."  
"I can live pretty well with the kids."  
"That is not what I intended to say. I meant if you need some time off we would love to take care of them."  
"God Trish." Tears were standing in Mac's eyes and the first sobs were waiting in her throat to escape. "I know you only want to be around them but you have to see that this only makes things harder for me. Do you think it was that easy? No it wasn't. Maybe it had been a mistake from the first moment, maybe he never wanted …"  
"No Sarah, do not say that he maybe never loved you. He did, he probably still does."  
"But he fucked another woman in our bed!" she replied angrily. Mac wasn't sure if Trish had ever been told why they broke up. But after a few moments of complete silence she decided that he had probably never told his mother about it.  
"I didn't know …," Trish replied, sadness dancing in her voice.  
"I am sorry, Trish. You have always been like a mother for me and now I have to tell you that I wasn't good enough for your son. That is at least …"  
"He never told me. Probably he was ashamed? I don't know but nobody ever told me. I was never told why you got divorced, never. I just thought that you had an argument or some other problems. But I never had the idea that Harm … my son … are you sure?"  
"Trish, how shall I tell you this? I came home and found him under her in our bed. She was tall, blond, and skinny with big boobs. Okay? Enough of a description? She was everything I was before the kids, except for the color of her hair." She took a deep breath and didn't try to stop the tears and sobs. "I saw him moaning under her. I saw that she had bound him to the bed. I saw how much fun he had. Trish, I had told him that as soon as I …."

_Harm was walking into the kitchen with an old copy of the playboy in his hands and one of his basketball buddies on the phone. "I have to go, Wil,l but I will tell her that she looks amazing, okay? Oh what about the reddish girl from last time …. oh really … and how … now she is in the kitchen … really? … wow …"  
__"Harm could you have a look why Ellen is crying?" Mac asked from the kitchen, having a hand over her pregnant belly. It was hot in there after making a ton of cookies.  
__He had stopped talking to Will and came back with Ellen on his arm and the magazine in the other one.  
__"She was just feeling lonely," he replied and tickled her.  
__"Maybe because you should have been playing with her but instead you had to read the Playboy. How great," Mac snorted.  
__"Calm down honey."  
__"No Harm. It is just enough. You wanted a son, I am pregnant with your son and now you are reading those damn magazines again."  
__"Not in front of her," he said, turned around and went with the girl into the living room. Mac had to sit down as soon as he was out of sight.  
__This pregnancy had been a long fight. She had lost a lot of blood during Ellen's birth and for a long time hadn't the strength to do a lot of things. She was at home with the girl for nearly one year before she started working again and before she got pregnant again. And this pregnancy wasn't easy on her either. For some time they weren't sure if the baby was growing correctly but he was. Everything was fine. And she was staying at home with Ellen now that she was 7 months pregnant, Harm talked her into that. But she was about to go crazy at home. She loved being with Ellen all day but she was missing work very badly.  
__She was crying silently in the kitchen while Harm finally showed Ellen some attention. Mac had been telling herself that it was time to talk to Harm, to get him to talk about what was going wrong in their marriage. Something didn't seem to work anymore.  
__She knew that she wasn't the heroine from before Ellen's pregnancy anymore. She had lost almost all the weight, but just almost. She wasn't fat but curvier than before. In the beginning she had hoped that it would turn him on. Big mistake. They had had sex before she got pregnant again, yes no sex since that, but the sex hadn't been the same anymore. No passion in it, no hot talks before it, no sweet words afterwards.  
__She had blamed herself for it. Herself and her less attractive body. But silently it things started to become clear. He wasn't in love with her anymore. Just married to her but when had he stopped loving her? _

_"Is dinner ready for Ellen?" he asked from the door with Ellen giggling on his hip.  
__"Sorry," she said and jumped from the chair. He had surprised her. "Give me a minute and it will be finished."  
__"What is it, Mac?"  
__"Nothing," she replied and turned her back towards him and started fixing the meal for her daughter. _

_After feeding her she was standing against the counter and looked at him. She felt a pain in her chest, the heart area. She knew that it was no illness, nothing serious – except that her heart started to break slowly. _

_"Only remember one thing Harm – as soon as I find out that you fuck another woman you will be out of my and the kids life!"  
__"Mac what are you talking about?"  
__"Reality! I'm talking about real life."  
__"I just don't get it," he said, turned around and started to wash and tuck Ellen in.  
__"What were you talking about Mac?"  
__"I just told you what I feel."  
__"You implied that I would be sleeping with another woman."  
__"You have to get it somewhere and for sure it isn't our bed," she replied coldly.  
__"Mac …"  
__"No Harm. I am a woman, just your wife. I feel things."  
__"You are completely wrong."  
__"Maybe? But we haven't had sex in nearly 6 months. How do you think I feel?"  
__"I thought you don't want to."  
__"Harm … you have never thought about that before I got pregnant with Ellen, so why now?"  
__"You were sick for a long time …"  
__"I am completely healthy. The baby is healthy. We are okay but you get into your PJ's, and since when do you sleep in pyjamas anyway?"  
__"Mac what do you want me …"  
__"Just remember what I just told you. I don't force you onto me," she added, turned on her heals and went towards the study to grab a book and read.  
__Things had been different between them lately. She had noticed it. _

"… as I thought something could go wrong with our marriage."  
"But Sarah, it happened once and you …"  
"No Trish. It happened in our wedding bed. Do you have any clue how I felt seeing him with another woman? I wanted to surprise him," Mac started sobbing. "God," Mac was wandering around the room, "I had bought some new … yes I bought a teddy to be sexy for him again. I had been working out harder after Harm Jr. was born to look attractive again. But no, the very first time I am on a mission and I come home early I find him in bed with a blond bimbo while our kids are asleep two doors down the hall."  
  
There was no reply from Trish. Mac only heard a crackling sound, as a package of Kleenex was opened. Mac had reached a point where she stopped caring. She was crying again, the first time in a long time. She had shed so many tears after that one night of her early return that there were no tears anymore for months. But now, telling her beloved mother-in-law what happened brought everything back.  
  
"God Sarah, I cannot tell you how sorry I am. How are you able to work with Harm every day?" she asked with a sadness filling her voice.  
"It works. Nobody knows what happened, just that we broke up. He takes every possible mission he can get to get out of Washington and I can only welcome it. Harriet, you remember Bud's wife? Well she once said something that he hopes he can go back to flying."  
"He cannot."  
"Maybe he will. What does he have to lose?"  
"You and the kids."  
"He has already lost me, Trish, and he doesn't show a huge interest in his kids, not even in his so wanted namesake."  
"Don't say that. You don't know what he is going through now." After those words a long pause filled the conversation between the two women.  
"I probably don't because I am not interested in it anymore. He had the chance to tell me what the problem was. He didn't want me anymore. He had made his bed. I don't sleep in it anymore, probably I never really have. I have forced myself on him the very first time we had an intimate contact. Maybe he never wanted to be more than friends." Mac took a deep breath and watched the snow flakes dance to the floor outside her window. "Probably I had mistaken a lot of things and it all took a painful end but it was probably the best for everybody."  
"Sarah. You know that you are like the daughter I have never had. I knew a lot about you before we ever met because he couldn't stop talking about a Lt. MacKenzie. I couldn't wait to meet you. And you are everything he was ever looking for."  
"But he decided to go to bed with somebody else."  
"He did. It was a mistake. I am sure he knows it."  
"Harm signed the papers without an argument."

_Mac knocked at Harm's office door. It had been three weeks since that final night. No words were said, no fights were fought. Nothing. He had packed his stuff and moved to a hotel and afterwards to a small apartment.  
__Mac had thought that there would be arguments, fights, discussions over the house, the alimony and the children but there had never been any.  
__"Come in," she heard the voice from inside. Mac opened the door and entered the room and showed him the papers in her hand.  
__"Here, take your time with them," she said and was about to walk out again.  
__"You really want it?"  
__"What else should I do? You know I told you once."  
__"I remember it well," he said and started to sign the papers without even reading them. "If you wait a second you can take them with you again." He finished, got up from his chair and walked with them in his left hand towards her.  
__He handed her the papers. To be honest she wanted to cry, get a bottle of vodka and burrow under thousands of blankets, she really lusted for alcohol.  
__Her marriage was over now, officially. Somebody would have to tell the other people. Harm would probably do that, she told herself before asking. He only nodded in response.  
__"Do you want them back?" she asked trying to get her engagement and wedding band from her finger, but he stopped her, "No you can keep them and when Harm Jr. is old enough give them to him so he can propose to his future wife."_

_Those few words had given her the rest. She had turned on her heels and ran into the bathroom. After crying and throwing up, hiccups and more sobbing she left work without telling the admiral about her afternoon plans. She called him from home, telling him that she wasn't feeling well and it looked like the kids would be sick too. Of course it was a plane lie but she didn't care.  
__The next day everybody seemed to know. Everybody's eyes seemed to be on her. The admiral wanted to talk to her and she did. She didn't tell him why they broke up, she never told anybody – not even Harriet. The only one who knew about the real reasons was the still sealed bottle of vodka in the study in the middle of her table with the glass by its side._

_She had been sitting in front of that bottle and the empty glass for weeks. How often had she told herself that one glass will not bring her back to alcoholism and how often had this small voice won the fight inside, telling her that she had two kids to take care of? She didn't want them to live the life she had, while partly succeeded by losing their father to another woman._

_She had asked the admiral for a few days off and he agreed that it would probably be for the best. Before he let her go, he wanted to know how she was feeling. She couldn't look into AJ's eyes. Her chin sank down to her breastbone.  
__"How do you think I feel?"  
__"I only can imagine it. It was different when I got my divorce. I was a seal. But Mac you know, if you need anything, I am there for you."  
__"Thanks AJ, really. I only need a few days off to figure some things out, at home, my future and financially."  
__"There won't be any financial troubles Mac. Harm will pay what he has to pay even if I personally have to get the money from him."  
__"You don't even know what happened, the reasons, and you are …"  
__"Mac I do not have to know the reasons. I can see it in your eyes, you have been crying for more than one night. You haven't been sleeping well lately and you lost weight. What more do I need to figure things out? I can see that he hurt you, one way or the other. How you will handle things is up to you."  
__"Thanks for your understanding. It is not my intention to wash my dirty laundry at JAG."  
__"I know. It has never been your style. So see you next Monday and kiss the kids from me."  
__"Thank you, Sir." _

"And you think it was easy for him?" Trish asked Mac insecurely.  
"I don't know. I don't care. He probably knew that he had made a mistake and has to live with the consequences."  
"But …"  
"Trish, you know I love you. If you want to spend time with your grandchildren you are welcome. Please just don't drag Harm with you over here. I don't want to spend Christmas with him or one of his girlfriends. If he wants to see the kids, he knows he can call, pick them up and return them on time. He knows that. You are always welcome in my house Trish, as Frank is." Mac got off from the window bench and headed back to the fire place. "But I have to stop now; I have a few things to finish before going to bed."  
"Well Sarah, so we'll see each other in a few days. Thanks for the invitation."  
"You are welcome."  
"See you."  
"Bye," were Mac's last words before she threw the telephone through the room and started crying again. She had been able to store that memories in the very back of her mind and now, one simple call, had brought them all back.

**Memory  
All alone in the moonlight  
I can smile at the old days  
I was beautiful then  
I remember the time I knew what happiness was  
Let the memory live again**

****

* * *

End Part 1  
More to come ???  
ms.parker (at) gmx.at


	2. 2

Inspired by "The Prayer" from Celine Dion & Andrea Bocelli  
Thanks to Melanie for the beta, as always huggles

* * *

Mac was hard on herself. She told everybody that she would have her own Christmas celebration with the kids. She didn't want anybody else around. She needed this time alone to sort things out. 

On the 26th she would be cooking for her former parents-in-law, which brought an odd feeling up. Her former parents-in-law, people she adored and loved; people … her family, former family.

_It was May, the middle of May, and the sun shone romantically onto the large balcony Harm's parents had. They had been invited to celebrate Trish's birthday and Harm hadn't told them yet that they were a couple. Mac was standing at their car and Harm was getting their bags out. _

_The weekend was amazing, on Saturday they were swimming in the sea and having fun at the beach like friends, the night was the night of lovers. _

_She had been reading a crime novel, something by Kathy Reichs. She liked it, really, and it was thrilling. Suddenly she felt wet lips on her ankle, trailing upwards. Her legs spread without command and welcomed his hand in between. His hands spread her lips and dipped into her wetness. She welcomed him with a loud moan as he found her g-spot without a long search. Mac had longed for his fingers the whole day. They had felt watched and since he hadn't told his parents … _

That brought her back to reality and the knowledge that all that was gone. Sometimes those days she asked herself if she had reacted too harshly, too quickly, that she hadn't given him time to comment. But did she really ever ask for anything from him other than love? She had never wanted anything else, only to be loved.  
If he hadn't wanted a family, she would somehow have survived without kids because she wanted him to be happy, happy with her.  
She only had asked for one thing – that it would be only her and nobody else. Was that too much to ask for?

She knew that she wasn't the woman he had married. She had given birth, she had gained weight during the pregnancies but that was just the normal way of life. He loved her pregnant body.

And now? Mac was sitting in bed, alone. It had started to snow a couple of hours ago and would probably snow through to New Years Eve – another celebration she would prefer to cancel this year.  
There were many pictures running through her head, but the one that he was celebrating with another woman was the most painful - probably a tall blond bimbo with a small waist, big boobs and no brain – his classical combination. Oh, a person you do not need to make a commitment to, not again. He wouldn't do the same "mistake" again.

He wouldn't. Never again.  
But nobody had ever asked what she was feeling, how she was going to work herself over Christmas. Nobody had ever asked her about the bottles of wine in the cellar which Harm had bought over the years of marriage. There was not one single person who had taken care of her. Maybe it had been because she had tried to block them out?  
She didn't know today.  
Sitting along on "their" bed didn't help at all.  
Slowly she got up and got her robe, walked towards the kids' room and watched them sleep. So cute.  
Tears streamed down her cheeks; her hair was a mess, her nails bitten down already. Nobody seemed to have noticed it.  
She had resisted so long but tonight was just too much, it was the night before Christmas, and she had already decorated the tree, wrapped the presents and prepared everything for the morning, for her children. But now she needed help, and there was simply nobody that could help her.  
Her best friend had gotten divorced from her, her best friend had cheated on her, betrayed her, left her – forever. There was nobody anymore.  
As nice as Harriet was, she was a rumor pot; not the person she needed now.

* * *

It was the 2nd bottle she had opened in just over an hour. The pain had already started to ease, slowly but steady. Many things went blank and unclearly. Many things just didn't seem to be that important anymore.  
The wine was good, not vodka, but better than nothing. Vodka would gone faster, wouldn't take so long to be happy again. 

_Harm drinking wine, a picture in her mind which was rare. Harm seldom drank alcohol in front of her, only when friends were over.  
_"_Kiss me," he begged her, but she knew that she would taste Cognac on his tongue. So she started to kiss his chest down slowly, unbuttoning his jeans while her tongue twirled in his belly button. A soft moan escaped his lips.  
_"_I want you to kiss me," he said again and pulled her up, pushed her against the floor wall between the bedroom and the guest room. And she kissed him. His tongue tasted like expensive Cognac, never something cheap. She kissed him, but in a very strange way she found it disgusting. She didn't like the taste in her mouth.  
__Within seconds Harm had her robe unbound and pushed it off her shoulders, it was a puddle at her feet. She had longed for his warm hands all day long; since she was on maternity leave she was missing him all day.  
_"_Harm we cannot do it here, let's get inside …" She wasn't even able to finish the sentence when she already felt the floor under her, her knees on the wooden floor.  
_"_Harm … please … I cannot …," she tried to tell him but he was already between her thighs – touching, licking and sucking her. Mac horny, yes! It had been the "miracle" of her 2nd and 3rd trimester.  
_"_Mac I need you …," Harm moaned when he positioned himself behind her and slowly eased himself into her, slowly and carefully.  
__Even drunk he wasn't forcing himself into her, she noted silently. He was her husband, he had a right to make love to her and he had always been the one who liked experiments much more than she did.  
_"_God," she moaned as the tip of his penis touched her cervix and his left hand was gliding softly over her big, pregnant belly.  
__Suddenly she felt his hands on her breasts, pushing her backwards and she found herself, back against chest, sitting in his lap. It was his way to show her that she was in control.  
_"_I love you Mac," he said with a smile against her neck before he bit down on her shoulder, a common sign of their love. It would turn blue and green before it would turn yellow and be gone again.  
__Mac did her best to let her hips rotate, moved up and down on his erection while he was busy kneading her milk engorged breasts. Harm was a man, Mac had told herself, who liked hard and good sex but he knew when a woman needed more than a quickie.  
__Pregnancy made her horny but it wasn't that easy to come for her anymore, he knew that. He had noticed that it was hard for her to stay in one position for some time because of her back. They had tried various things and Mac liked the difference.  
_"_God Harm, yes this time …" and before Mac was able to finish the line his hand was between her spread legs, touching her erected bundle of nerves and Mac started to writhe in pleasure.  
_  
Mac got up, with the glass in her hand and started to walk up the cellar stairs, when she suddenly missed a step …

* * *

"Mom, please call the ambulance," Harm screamed from the cellar door, Hannah on his hip. 

They had called all day long but nobody picked up and in the afternoon Harm decided to come over to have a look if everything was fine.  
His parents had checked into the hotel in the morning, it was Christmas day. Harm's stepfather walked towards Harm, who was standing there in shock. He handed him Hannah and ran downstairs towards the lifeless form of his former wife.

"She is still alive," he said and felt the pulse on her neck. He looked around and didn't see any blood, nothing. It was just Mac, a glass shattered next to her. He put one and one together. It wasn't complicated, very simple what happened when he looked around and saw the three other bottles on the bar, two completely empty.  
"God Mac, what have you done?"  
"Maybe, Harm, you should ask yourself what you have done," his mom told him. Now he noticed her standing next to him.  
"What?"  
"You know exactly what I mean. What you have done, not what she has done. She tried to drown her pain, sorrow … "  
"Mom …"  
"I talked to her a few days ago; did you really think nobody would ever tell me the real reason why you got divorced? God Harm, you have two girls and what did you do? You slept around. I understand her."  
"It isn't the right place to discuss it now," Trish's husband commented, "Bring her upstairs. A doctor will be here in a few minutes, not the ambulance; I don't want her to be in hospital on Christmas day if possible."

Harm gathered her in his strong arms, Trish took care that her head wasn't hanging back but resting on her son's shoulder while he carried her upstairs into "their" bedroom, or what had been theirs.  
He looked around; it was the first time since they got divorced that he was in here. A lot had changed; Mac had tried to get "his touch" out of her skin, which was clear.  
The room was painted in a sunny yellow instead of the beige he had picked. The bed wasn't the futon anymore but a four poster bed, really romantic. The curtains' color was light blue; the dresser was in a lighter shade as her old one. She really had changed everything in here. Even the smell was different, it really smelled female but not like Mac's perfume but something more like lilies, not roses anymore.

Harm positioned her on the bed; Trish had pushed the comforter down. Mac was still wearing her black lace nightgown with the warm fluffy red-green robe over it and her warm socks in which she was always running around the house since the kids were born. No shoes allowed in the house anymore because the kids were crawling, stumbling and also running around and she didn't want the dirt inside. Everybody respected that wish and partly understood it.  
Mac looked so peaceful lying in bed, her eyes closed, her longer hair put in a bun at her neck.

"The doctor is here Harm," Trish said from the floor.  
A middle aged man entered the room with grey hair and a short cut beard.  
"I am Dr. Van de Weyden."  
"Harmon Rabb."  
"What happened to her," he asked, sitting down on the bed beside Mac. He felt her pulse and got out his stethoscope from his bag.  
"I don't know. We are divorced, I came to check on her because she didn't pick up and I found her on the base of the cellar staircase."  
"She was drinking."  
"I noticed."  
He asked to be left alone with Mac, so everybody went outside and Trish closed the door. Doctor Van de Weyden checked out Mac's body to see something was broken, but nothing was, thankfully. He noticed several cuts on her thighs, like from a razor. He documented it on a sheet of paper.  
After about twenty minutes, he opened the door and Harm and Trish went back inside.  
"I don't know what to tell you," he started and looked at his block. "Is there a reason why this woman would be in emotional pain?"  
Trish didn't gave Harm the chance to reply, "It will be her first Christmas alone with the kids."  
"Oh," was the only thing Van de Weyden said.  
"Why?" Harm asked staring at Mac's body.  
"She hurt herself, not often but let's say probably regular over the last month."  
"What do you mean?"  
"She cut herself."  
"No, she didn't. Mac would never do something like that," Harm countered, not wanting to believe what he just heard.  
"Would you excuse us for a minute Dr. Van de Weyden?"

"Sure."  
"Harm come with me," Trish said and pulled Harm into the guest room.  
"What is it, Mom?"  
"Have you ever thought about what you did to Mac?"  
"I don't get it."  
"You slept with another woman in her bed while she was the first time out of town."  
"Mom, I don't think that it is any of your business."  
"It is my business Harm, it is. I cannot believe that you did it. I didn't believe her when she told me over the phone why you left." Now Harm realized that he had never really told her the real reason, he always had found an excuse or changed the topic. "She was and will always be a part of the family, she is the mother of your kids. Mac was always strong, never showed that she was hurt to anybody, never. I never saw her cry in front of anybody, even after Ellen's birth she didn't gave up when you talked about having another baby. She knew it could happen again, she could have died the first time. But you wanted a son, so she tried her best. But unfortunately for you, it was a daughter again."  
"Not …"  
"Shut up," Trish said harshly, not screaming yet. "I know Mac and I know about the burden on her shoulders. She's loved you for as long as I've known her and suddenly you sleep with another woman in your bed. I think I would have killed you." She took a deep breath. "You probably haven't notice but she's lost quite some weight, did you see her ribs? – I did. Did you really think that she would cope that easily with it? Nobody ever asked her about how she felt."  
"She never wanted to be asked."  
"And did you ever think about why?" Trish was staring into Harm's eyes, "She never wanted anybody to know why you separated. It didn't take you long to sleep in other women's bed. I never asked you about it because I thought you would tell me someday but I have counted on many reasons, but not this." Trish finished and left the room.

She walked back to the doctor who was waiting at Mac's side.  
"Her reflexes are perfect, she probably only has a slight concussion. I think she will wake up within the next two to three hours. She hasn't broken anything but she will have some hematomas on her back, but nothing critical. She will feel really sore, but that is normal. She will need somebody to take care of her over the next few days. I will come back tomorrow afternoon to check on her. Think about the idea that she starts counseling; it would probably be for the best."  
"Sure I will talk to her about it. Anything else I need to know?"  
Doctor Van de Weyden looked around the room. "If I was her, I wouldn't want my ex around after this accident, he would be the last thing I want to see when I wake up."

* * *

Mac was breathing steadily. Trish placed a kiss on Mac's forehead before she left the room to check on her husband and grandchildren. He was feeding Ellen pizza and giving Hannah her good night bottle. It was late. Since they had found Mac, 6 hours had passed. 

Harm was sitting in the living room, his head buried in his hands.  
"I want you to leave, Harm," his mom said and sat down next to him.  
"I cannot, Mac is …"  
"No Harm, it is the best. We will take care of her and the kids."  
"But …"  
"Harm, the doctor also said that it is only the best for her if you aren't around when she wakes up. Remember you are probably the reason why all that happened."  
"God …"  
"And you haven't seen her thighs and the cuts … it has been a long time since I saw something like that."  
"But why?"  
"She tried to ease her pain away and nobody would see it, ever."  
Tears were running down Harm's cheeks.  
"I still don't understand how she could cut herself with a razor blade?" Harm said, the tears also in his voice, "I found the set under the sink in a small leather bag."

Trish only stared at him, he really didn't understand what he did to her.  
"Have you ever tried to explain why you betrayed her? Not that there is an excuse but maybe you could have sorted things out and …"  
"No. We had an agreement – everything was allowed except for sex with other people. When it happened and she found out, there was no reason to discuss anything. I had failed. I had to go. I left her, left her everything."  
"And you have never asked her about how she is feeling?"  
"It wasn't my business anymore."  
"F…! Harm don't you get it? Are you really that stupid?"

He could only stare at his mother.  
"Mac loved you. She didn't see any other way to live with the pain you forced her than to cut herself, to have another heavier pain than the one you caused. She once told me, in the early days of your marriage, that if it ever breaks up between you, she would never have another man again. You were the one and only man she really trusted, and then, a few years later, you … you killed her from inside. Mac has always been emotional, just buried under a thick layer of angst to be hurt. Has she ever told you about her first marriage? About her father? I asked her about it and she told me. You probably asked yourself why she is, sometimes, a little buttoned up – there are reasons for it. But she trusted you Harm, and you played with it. I cannot believe that you are the boy I watched growing up, I told about girls and feelings. No I cannot." Trish finished and left the room.

Harm had really never told Mac why it had happened. Maybe he should have, but he didn't want to make it any worse. No, he didn't.

Ellen came running towards him.  
"Why are you crying, daddy?" she asked him, her dark locks dancing around her olive skin.  
"Because your mom is hurt."  
"Can we go to Mom?"  
"Not yet, let her sleep a little bit. Don't you want to get your presents? I am sure that Santa was here last night," Harm said with a sad smile. The doors to the study had been closed, locked. He had unlocked it after coming downstairs. The tree was decorated in Mac's very own way – dark red, dark green and gold. Her warmth showed. The presents were put around the tree, on her desk a nearly finished album was resting. He had looked through it.

There were photos of them, together. Photos of their wedding, the birth of Ellen and Hannah's, various stages of both pregnancies and than there were photos of Christmas before Hannah was born.

_"We cannot make love under the Christmas tree, Harm."  
_"_Sure we can. I always wanted to take you under the tree", he moved towards her and softly whispered into her ear, "really hard."  
__They had decorated the tree for the next morning and put the gifts for the girls under it. "God I love you so much,  
Harm," Mac said and started to unbutton Harm's black silk shirt.  
_"_And I cannot get enough of you."  
__He never wanted to have sex with her under the tree but she had been touching him all day long in a very open manner, even in front of the kids. She wanted him all day long and he had given in now.  
__After a few years of marriage he knew what she liked. Mac was pregnant eight months with a girl again, he had so much wished for a boy, as had Mac, but it was a girl again and she was happy that she felt that good this time, and not a complicated pregnancy like last time.  
__Mac had gained more weight with Hannah and Harm liked the new round forms of her body. She liked the way she had to robe her bathrobe between her so much fuller breasts, then when they got married, and her pregnant stomach. Mac wasn't nude under the robe, she was wearing a sexy Victoria's secret red lace nightgown. The underwires were pushing her breasts even a little bit up and together, he could see her dark brown, nearly black nipples through the lace._

All the old memories and feelings were coming up that very moment. He had decided to go, even if he didn't want to. He hadn't planned that Mac would find them in their bed; he hadn't even planned to sleep with this woman, Sharon.

He closed the doors behind him to look after Mac before making his bed in the guestroom.  
She was asleep, still. Her breathing was steady and her skin warm. She seemed to have moved because the covers were around her waist.  
"God, you are so beautiful," he said and touched her cheek softly; "I still cannot believe that everything is gone."  
They had never talked about what happened. She gave him the papers, he signed them. Period. A family split into parts – Mac and their kids, and him.  
Slowly he sat down next to her on the bed, touched her hand, and started to hold it. His thump was making small circles on her wrist.  
"Wake up for me Mac, wake up," he whispered while he watched her breasts rise and sink under the covers. "I am sure we can find a way to …"  
Before he could finish the line Ellen had opened the door and was standing in the middle of the room.  
"Daddy," she asked softly to get his attention.  
"I thought you were asleep?"  
"I had a nightmare," she replied and crawled onto Harm's lap – her small hands wrapped around Harm's and Mac's. Softly the started to cry.  
"What is it cutie?"  
"What if mom doesn't wake up anymore?"  
"I am sure she will."  
"But grandma said that maybe …"  
"She told you?"  
"No … I was behind the sofa playing with Sofie." Sofie was her stuff dog. "What if mom doesn't wake up anymore?"

* * *

End Part 2  
Want more?  
ms.parker (at) gmx.at 


End file.
